Hunt Back Country

Help with short story, can you tell me all the figures of speech you find in here, such as similes, metaphors, I guess you both cannot read well! The story IS NOT the Most Dangerous Game, it is a sequel. Learn how to understand what you read before answering a question.

My version of Richard Mathesons I Am Legend? Ok the two books have alot of simularites so just dont think of it as a remake or something In The End Prologue Griffen Nevel tried to save his wife, he tried desperetly. He didnt realize she was coming down with the world wide academic sickness. Thousands of people were dieing of the desease. Griffen was a pretty smart man but he wasnt smart enough to find the cure of the desease. Griffens wife died of the deisease on January third of 2009. The army was disposing of all the bodies that were dieing from the disease. But when the soilders came into Griffens house he would give them his wife. One of the soilders hit him in the chin with the butt of his gun. It had knocked Nevel out and he still searched for her body. He suspected they burned it but there was a possobility they didnt. Slowly the disease started to spread and the only thing Griffen lived was for his daughter. She seemed to be imune to the disease and Griffen thought he was too and that if they were imune then she got it from his genes. But one day a pack of soilders came to take the clean people to a safe place where they wouldnt get the disease. Griffen knew they would take his daughter and possibly himself so he tried to hide them. Griffen had two handguns from hunting and he got them before he went into their basement. He brought a blanket down with them and both fell asleep istantly. The door breaking in aroused Griffen and he grabbed for the two pistols. He held them in both hands and waited for the men to come crashing down the stairs and take his daughter from him. But they never did. Griffen walked up the stairs and into his kitchen. Flashlights were splashed all across his living room with men looking around. Griffen felt terror immiedetly, he brought up his two pistols just as a man turned towards him. Griffen fired and hit the man in the stomach. He fell down, holding his stomach. All the man turned their flashlight towards him quickly and began fireing their machine guns. Nevel jumped behind his kitchen wall and flashed out every once and awhile and shot out. Then he heard boots running down into his basement he turned around the wall as he glimpsed a man running down. He shot him in the back with both guns and he tumbled down. But he was the last one to go down the rest of the men were already down there. They could be doing anything to his little daughter. A flash of anger came threw him and he ran down the stairs. He fired the two pistols widley. But the men were already gone. Out the back door. Griffens eyes got wide as he jumped over obstacles to get outside, he ran up the stairs to the outside and saw nothing. It was raining and thunderclouds were everywhere. Griffen fell to his knees in the soft soil and his shaggy hair began to get damp in the rain. Griffens head slumped into his hands, he had just lost the one thing that ment everything to him. He pulled his head out of his hands and screamed as loud as he could. Chapter 1 The rain came down in a sprinkle as the wind was going about thirty miles an hour. Griffen Nevel sat in his chair staring outside. He didnt know for sure but he suspected he was the last man on the whole entire earth. His dog Dook sat next to him sleeping silently, every now and then Nevel reached down and pet him. The rain came down hard now a days and the wind was always fast. Griffens car sat in the garage, with his generator that powerd all the electricity around him. Griffen got up from the chair and walked over to the bar. He poured himself a big glass of vodka and then sat back down in the chair. Griffen looked at his clock saw it was twelve o' one AM. He walked over to his calender which said, August third 2012. The calender he had to make himself because the last time he haad ever seen a living person with in 2010. Griffen marked off August third and awaited August fourth. Griffen walked into his bed room opened up his closet, got out his black leather jacket and put it on. He got on some brown slacks and a white t-shirt. Griffen walked over to the front door slid back the little opening and saw the rain was coming down harder. He slid it back shut, reached over and grabbed his two pistols and his big machine gun. He found the machine gun from one of the dead soilders bodys. See when he couldnt find hid daughter he loaded up his two hand guns and went searching for her. He ended up getting shot in the left thight and he had killed five soilders. Now Griffen Nevel waited for sunrise so he could go out and hunt. He would hunt for food and supplies. Griffen Nevel croched in the high weeds of the open field with the machine gun in hand. Not twenty feet from him was a big old buck. He brought the gun up and aimed right at it. He was just about to pull the trigger when his dog began to whimper. Griffen put the gun down and looked at his dog. "Something wrong Dook?" The dogs ears went down and the dog laid on its stomach. Griffen looked around to make sure no animal was stalking them. Griffen hesitated then stood up and scanned the area around him with his eyes. He gripped the gun so tightly in his arms he cut off the blood supply. But Nevel saw nothing. By now the buck had ran in terror of his voice. Griffen tried various times to calm his dog down but the dog just laid there scared. Then the dog carelessley stood back up and rejoined Griffen. The two walked off in the tall weeds while Griffen cautisly watched out for another animal to shoot. They were back home in half an hour, when he opened the front door he noticed he left the garage door open. He walked into the garage and looked around. His volkswagen SUV was still in perfect condition. Griffen looked at the gernerator and inspected it. It was still in contact with all of its parts. Feeling satisfied, Griffen walked into his house. His dog was already on the couch half asleep. Nevel slumped down the machine gun and took the two handguns out of his belt buckle and set them down on the coffee table. Griffen sat down onto his couch and sat there rubbing his head. There were things he missed about the old world. He missed watching sunday night football, he missed eating family meals, but must of all he missed Stephanie and Leah. Griffen laid down and rested his head on Dook. Dook was his last and only companion. If anything were to happen to him he would break down. Griffen began to cry just as he dozed off. Just as he dozed off he thought faintly he could hear footsteps on the concrete sidewalk outside. Chapter 2 The rain was coming down hard today. The date was September 14th and Griffen sat on his front stoop hidden form the rain. The machine gun sat on his lap and Dook sat next to him. The wind was rustling everything around him and everything seemed to be active. The world was starting to bore Griffen, he did the samething every day and he was getting sick of it. He kept one bullet in his dresser just in case he would need it. He put his hand out in the rain and it got cold immiedetly. Nevel jerked it back in quickly and shudderd from the cold. Then something moved in the darkness of an alley way across the street. Griffen didnt know what it was at first then he came to the conclusion it was a deer or something. Then Dooks ears went down and he began to whimper in the same fashion he did that one late afternoon. Griffen pet him for a few minutes then he caught something again out of the corner of his eye. Nevel jerked to the left and looked for the movement. The object looked to go inside a dark building. The building use to be a big factory it would be dark and dry in there for a scared animal. Now was the time for some good eatin', Griffen thought in his head. Griffen stood up, went inside his house and jerked on his leather jacket. He grabbed his carring case that swifled around his shoulder. Griffen stepped outside and Dook followed. He waked threw the rain towards the factory with the machine gun in his hands. He got to the factory in a matter of minutes and stepped inside. The doors must have broken off in a storm or an animal. It was surley dry inside the factory, Dook halted at the doorway and wouldnt go in. "Come on Dook." Griffen whisperd and Dook hesitated then followed his owner. There was a little cubby hole in the corner of the big room and Dook instatly went there. Griffen silently crouched threw the gigantic buidling. Then he heard something. He halted at once and he heard behind him, Dook whimper. Then he suddenly didnt want to be here, the gun in his arms didnt make him feel any safer. Griffen stepped back then he heard something uninmaginable. He heard the whispering of a person. Then something touched him, Griffen fell back in shock and onto his back. The gun fell from his hands and he picked it up and began to run to out of the building. Once he was out he saw Dook speed off in front of him. Dook was scratching the door when Griffen finally arrived. He shoved open the door and fell onto his stomach. He kicked the door shut and laid there for a moment thinking about what just happend. Then Griffen got up and took a big swig of vodka. Griffen fell over from shock and landed on the floor hard. The sound of scratching awoke Griffen. He bearly opened his eyes and said, "Dook stop." He suspected that Dook was scratching at the door beacause he had to pee. But when Dook started to lick his face and the scratching continued Griffen got scared. Griffen sat up and felt for the two handsguns. He found them on the couch and held one in each hand. He looked up at the clock and it said it was ten PM. The scratching stopped. Maybe it was just in his head, maybe he was going mad. He put the pistols in his pants and grabbed for his leather jacket. He motinoed for Dook and asked, "Gotta' go potty?" Dook started to get hyper which ment he did. Griffen took out the handguns and walked Dook outside. They went to the back yard where Leah's swing still stood. Dook jumped off the back porch and over to a bush. Griffen stood with his head faced down and stared at the porch. Dook was scarmbling around, sniffing trying to find a place to pee when Griffen noticed the noise. It sounded as if the fence across the yard was breaking under pressure it was the sound of cracking wood. Dook stopped and looked up at the fence. Griffen slowly brought up his head and stared forward. It was almost three hours into night time so he could bearly see the swing set in the middle of the yard. But after his eyes set comfort to the darkness he saw what was making the noise. In the darkness all he saw was the outline of a person but it scared him enough. He took a step back and gripped the pistols. The person moved and the wood creaked. Then he saw more, more of them were coming over the fence. There was eight total after Griffen counted. "Oh my god." he mutterd and then Dook was next to him scratching at the door. Griffen felt the terror take over his body and he kicked open the screen door and pulled the big door shut behind him. He heard just as he enterd the house the wood start cracking and he heard the people hitting the ground, they were coming towards the house. Griffen locked the back door anr and ran for the front door. He was in so much of a hurry he forgot his jacket and his machine gun. He held the two handguns in one hand as he jerked open the front door and jumped out with Dook next to him. The two flew out the front door and stopped in a hurry on the front stoop. The people were everywhere in the front street. He was staring at the people in the front so much he didnt see of the people had flanked him form the right. The big man tackled him to the ground and Griffen laid on his side with the man on top of him. Griffen turned his head and looked at the man. He was the ugliest thing ever. He had almost no eyes and his face was grey. The man started to scream/howl into Griffens hear. Griffen elbowed him in the face and jumped up. Him and Dook took off the left and didnt stop running until they got around the corner. Griffen looked around the corner and saw all people chasing after him. Griffen took off into the street and ran for another block and ran into an alley way. He saw the people run past him and Dook and they got out of the alley way. They walked backed to the house and saw no one there. Griffen walked up his steps and looked in the door. They had been inside his house. He walked in and surveyed what they had done. They had wrecked his whole house. The first sigh of people since the sickness and they attack him? He didnt understand who they were or what they were. Griffen sat down and then the pounding on the door started. Griffen jumped and back away from the door. Then he heard footsteps from the back door. Griffen walked into the hallway and saw one of those people stranded in his hous lost. He was walking towards the open back door when Griffen saw him. He turned towards him and Griffen could see it was his neighbor, Johnny Fisher. "JOHN!" Griffen ran to him and hugged him. Then the most shocking thing happend. John bit his arm with all his force. Griffen yelled and pushed John off. Blood was dripping form Johns lips and Griffen backed up. "What has happend to all of you?" Then John charged Griffen. He hit Griffen with all his force and it pulled Griffens shirt up. Griffen couldnt see anything his shirt was over his eyes. He swung his arms widley and struck John with one of ths pistols. John fell on his back and Griffen pulled his shirt from his eyes. But when he did John was almost out the door. Realizing something was wrong here, he shot John in the back and he fell out the back door and down the steps. Griffen walked over to his body and examined it then drug it back in the house. Chapter 3 Griffen learned more about the odd people after he gunned down John. He did learn these people were the infected the ones who got the virus. Thus, they were dead. They were the walking dead, but Griffen also learned he was immune to the virus or when that man bit him he would have got it. Griffen examined the body of the man daily and figured out that the germ inside them was very contagious. The knock on Griffens door was silent but Dook's ears flinged up at once. Griffen looked over at the door and another knock came. It was as if the knocker had no more strength and was using the last of it to knock. Griffen stood up slowly and grabbed his two handguns. He took his time on each step as he walked over towards the door. He gripped the door handle just as the last knock came and he opened the door. A women came tumbling into his arms. She must have been leaning againt the door and fell once Griffen opened it. He did not get a good look at the women or had would have fainted at once. But he is grateful he did not faint at once cause that means he might have left the door open and they could have got in. But once he turned the women over he saw her face. He dropped her to the ground and stumbled back falling onto his wooden table and breaking it. He cringed back farther and put his hand to his mouth. "No, no no." He mutterd as he cowerd back. He had dropped the guns when she fell in and now he had nothing to protect himself. The womens eyes met his and she began to crawl slowly after him. "Oh my god" He said as he saw her crawling. She finally reached him and began to crawl up his chest. Griffen closed his eyes when she reached his face and kept on muttering to himself, "Your not real, your not real, your not real." She opened her mouth to scream in his face and he shoved off of him and grabbed a pistol. She fell back to her knees and stared up at him. He closed his eyes as he shot the women she cringed back to her back. He fell to his knees and cried. There on the ground lay his wife dead for the second time. When Griffens wife came back from the dead he knew it was the virus that caused it. He held one of the guns in his right hand and wanderd why he didnt just shoot himself. He wonderd why he still lived, there was nothing to live for so why was he? Maybe he thought he could create a cure for this virus, maybe he could cure the people with it. But that wouldnt help because once he cured them they were dead anyways. It was one in the morning and Dook was sleeping on the couch. He didnt know what date it was because he ripped down the calender a while ago and threw it outside in anger. But when he went out and looked for it, it was gone. Griffen sat in a chair with the body of John on a table in front of him in the kitchen. He was examining some blood drawn from the body. He was so mad at himself for shooting his wife, he was in the heat of the moment and he was confused. He had a glass cup in his hand and anger overcome him. He threw down the glass and it shatterd into peices. He threw back the chair he was sitting in and trampled outside. He ran into the middle of the street and held out his arms. "WHY, WHY DID YOU PICK ME IN LIVE THREW THIS WHOLE THING?" He yelled. "COME ON WHY?" Then he heard the footsteps. He turned around swiftly and was face to face with a man. He heard a ruff beard and toned out muscles. Griffen turned to run and the man grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. As he was pulled back the man hit him in the face with a huge hand. Griffen hit the ground hard and immiedetly kicked the big mans knee in. The man screamed and fell back. Griffen came up to his knees and a women was right on top of him. Her knee came in contact with his chin and he came off his knees. He fell back to his back and saw the women stomp on his shin. Griffen screamed in pain and pulled up to hold his hurt leg. Now there were people all around him. He got up with a limp and hit the women in the face and she fell with a thump. He bumped a man and Griffen uppercut him in the chin. He ran with a small limp to his house when a man jumped on his back. Griffen fell face first into the sidewalk. The man was punching his back when Griffen threw him off his back. Thats when he heard the growling, Griffen looked up and saw Dook on the first step of his house. Dook jumped off the porch and landed on a man. The man fell to the ground and began to rip away at his neck. Dook tore away the skin and the man began to bleed to death. Griffen was up now and was yelling for Dook to come back. Dook had just turned around to come back when a man with a thick black jacket on and a long blade stomped on his back breaking his spinal cord. "NOOO" Griffen yelled as he ran inside and grabbed his machine gun. He came outside and the men was about to pick the dog up when Griffen let out a long burst of the gun. He hit just about everyone surrounding the dogs body. Griffen could still hear Dook whimpering. "NOOOOO" Griffen yelled out one more time as he jumped down the steps and began beating everysingle one of them with his gun. "YOU FUCKERS!" Griffen yelled as he pummled more and more of them. Griffen felt the most anger againt these things more then he has ever hated anything in his lfie. He killed almost all of them, when the rest ran away. Griffen dropped the gun and dropped to his knees next to the dog. He silently began to cry and he picked up the dog with both arms and walked back inside the house. He laid the dog on the couch and went and got some water. He put it next to the dog and he did not drink it. "Oh my god no, no god you cant do this to me." He rubbed the dog and felt his spine it was completly broken apart. "No." He felt for a pulse and it was gone. He felt a tear crawl down his cheek and then more came and then he jerked himself up form the couch and yelled, "NOO!" He grabbed the machine gun and jerked open the door. They were back dozens of them. He fired the gun widley at them and saw their bodies jerking. One came running at him and he shot it in the head. Then more came and he shot all of them. He shot every one of them. He slaugherd the kids who rushed at him, he killed everysingle man, women, and child. Then when there was no more he cringed back inside the house. He saw the dog and began to sob. He fell to his knees next to the dogs body and fell asleep in that position. Chapter 4 Griffen Nevel ended up burying Dook's body and he cried over it for a very long time. He never forgot about that dog but he did figure out the people only came out at night and he also figured out they sleep in the morning. He killed them when he found one. He went hunting during they day for them he never did find the one who killed Dook but he kept on looking. He studied the disease for months and never found a cure. He searched and searched but couldnt find anything. He finally gave up on the disease and worried about the people coming at night. They came every single night to get him, like they thought he would eventully come out. But he never gave up that easily, he fought them sometime but then he stopped because he thought he was wasting ammo. It was night and Griffen laid on the couch almost drunk when he rememberd he had a radio in his bedroom. He ran up and got it then he plugged it in down stairs. He left it on for three hours and sat in front of it and nothing happend the whole time. He was almost asleep when a song blew on. It was as loud as can be and scary as hell. Griffen slowly brought his head up and listend to, "Weve Only Just Begun" By The Carpenters. He knew the people had aired it, that means they know he has it. Which means there watching him. Griffen turned his head both ways and looked out the windows. If they came in here he would be toast the only defense he has are the three guns. The streets were empty and his yard was also empty. He moved bakc from the window and grabbed a handgun. He pointed it at the radio and shot it. It exploded into peices and they flung across the room. He put the gun down and looked around. He sighed and sat on the couch. He hated this thing called living, but he went on anyways, he still didnt know why. Then he thought of something. His daughter. She was still alive out there somewhere. She cant be that far, there has to be a living person out there with the disease. Then Griffn realized the cure for the disease. He hated how much of an idiot he was, how stupid he was for not finding it out so early. His blood was the cure, maybe if he cooled the body tempeture and injected his blood into a infected body it was go back to normal. Yes some of them are dead, but not everyone died of the disease, maybe some of them lived and now face some of the symptons. He jumped up and ran outside, he the two handguns just incase it got bad. It was dark as can be and three people were outside. They saw him and stopped what they were doing. "Stop dont be scared of me. I need to ask you something." He didnt know if they understood then they straighted up. "Have you seen my little daughter. I know you want to kill me but...ANSWER ME GOD DANMIT!" They coward back for a second then stood back up. He aimed the guns at them and they still just stared. "Are you dead or alive?" But they still did not answer. He shot all three of them. He went back inside got on his jacket, machine gun and extra ammo. Tonight might be the night he die, but he would die with a fight. He had to find his daughter. He went outside holding the two handguns and saw two men staring at the three dead bodies. They looked at him when he came out. He shot both of them. He walked over to the garage and opened it. He got in his car and backed up. He hit one of them as he came out and then he turned right and went down the street. He thought he could tell the live ones form the dead ones. The live ones looked better then the dead ones did. He spotted a good looking ones and he got out of the car. He stepped in from of him and asked, "Have you seen my daughter?" The man stared at him and then charged him. The man hit him hard and Griffen fell down. But Griffen was right back on his feet. When the man came at him again Griffen took him down. Griffen fell on top of him and held him down, "LISTEN TO ME I KNOW YOU CAN TALK, SO ANSWER ME! DANMIT!" Griffen hit him in the face and thens tuck the barrel in his mouth. "Answer me." he whisperd. Then the man talked. "Ok ok, no I havnt seen her but Ive heard of another person alive." Griffens eyes got wide and then he stood up. "Are you good? Why do all of you want to kill me?" The man got up and dusted himself off. "Because your scary as hell." The man said backing up. "No please dont run. I am so alone and so afraid of you." Then the man sent a look behind Griffen and Griffen swiftly turned around and saw them. They were everywhere. This was a trick. "Oh my god. You sonabitch." Griffen said to the man he had met earlier. There were the diseased people everywhere. They were all dead. "You wont get me without a fight." Then Griffen turned around and shot the man behind him. He fell down dead, again. The dead ones came rushing at him and Griffen began firing shots into the midst hitting random targets. He turned around to run and hit more people. He eblowed the man in front of him and ran to his car. Someone grabbed him and Griffen threw him off. Griffen jumped in his car and locked the doors. He set the car in drive when the passenger seat window blew in. A hand came in reaching for him, Griffen held it down and shot it three times. He reloaded both guns and then drove away. When he got around the corner he hit a brick wall of people. They were all dead. He kept on going full speed and kept on driving. He didnt stop until he got to a gas station when he hurried up and filled up. He jumped back in and began to cry. Then he saw out again to find his daughter. He drove until day light and then he drove back to his house. He got there at twelve in the afternoon and almost starting sobbing agiain when he saw the house. It was wrecked to hell. He went inside and saw the damage. They had caught everything on fire and things were still smoldering. He was lucky the house didnt catch fire. There was a message on the wall, JUST SURRENDUR. But next to it was a dead body and then he noticed there were everywhere its not the tihngs inisde that were burnt there were bodies burnt. They were the bodies of dead diseased people. Griffen didnt understand who did this if the dead bodies were burnt? Then it came to him, the live ones knew the dead ones were going to attack him so, the live ones waited until the dead ones chased after Griffen and attacked his house. Then the dead ones came back and the alive people killed all the dead ones. There was a war going on here and Griffen Nevel was stuck right in the middle. Chapter 5 As night neared Griffen Nevel went to the gun store and got more ammo for his three guns. He didnt worry about getting another gun, all he needed was ammo for the guns he had. He got home at five-thirty, right on time. He had fixed up his house and recontructed it. He boared up the house, locked up the doors and put barriers of metal in his front lawn. The metal was lined up in his front yard, he stacked up strips of metal to make a wal about five feet high, he put concrete slabs behind them to make sure it didnt fall. He put chicken wire on top of it so they woulnt climb it. For some reason Griffen didnt know, the two sides wanted him. They were terrifeid of him, he was the last one left that didnt have the disease, and they were also scared of him because he kills the living and the dead. He can walkin daylight and that scares them. He knew he had to fight, but one time of those sides are going to win, and the winning side is going to come in here and get him. He suspected the living would win, because they thought better, they thought things threw. The dead just went and fought. Thats why Griffen could kill them so easily, they never brought weapons, they just came to fight. Griffen had never faced, he has never even seen the living. Thats why he thought that one man was alive, beacuse he doesnt know what they look like. Griffen was ready no matter what, but he was till plotting over whether he wanted to fight or let them take him. When they came he would decide how they were equipped if they had weapons he would let them take him, if they didnt he would fight until the end. The fighting started at eleven AM. There were about ten dead ones in front of Griffens house when six men showed up . Six men in black suits, each with a neat twelve inch blade in their hands. One of the six was the man who had kileld Dook. The six walked over to the dead grabbed each one by the back of their necks and slid the blade into their throat. The blade went in end and out the other. The men in black suits did this to every dead ones they saw. Then they looked at Griffens house. Griffen stumbled back from the window he was looking out. Griffen went back to the window and looked out, the six men now had machine guns out and were shuffling towards the middle of the street. More dead were coming to help. The six shot down everysingle dead that came at them, then when it seemed all the dead were gone about three dozen of the dead came around the corner. Griffen's eyes got huge as the dead came swarming at the men in black. The men in black somehow shot down everysingle one of the dead. Then the six grabbed some kinda of phone and spoke into it. Then about one hundred of the living came around the corner. Griffen couldnt belive his eyes he saw all men and women in black stomp all over the dead. They all had either a blade or a gun. "No." Griffen said shaking his head. He backed away from the window and thought, I cant fight that many. Griffen grabbed his machine gun and two handguns. He put two handguns in his pants and the fully loaded machine gun rested in his hands. He knew they would call him out and he wouldnt come, so they would come in and get him. But they didnt call him out, they hit the door with something hard and then they hit it again. On the third hit the dar burst open and three men in black stood there. For the few seconds Griffen saw them he was discusted. There faces were pitch gray and had almost no facial expressions. Then one yelled, "Hes got a gun." Griffen pulled up the gun and fired shots into the three men. There bodies jerked as the bullets hit them. Then Griffen heard the back door breaking in. Griffen cut for the garage door when the men came in the back. Griffen threw the garage door shut and got in his car. He started it and put it in reverse. He heard them yelling and screaming outside. He pulled the car out of the garage smashing the garage door and hitting a few of the people in black. Griffen put the car in drive and drove off in the other direction. He heard the people screaming after him to come back. But he got to a park when he stopped and thought what just happend. He turned the keys in the ignition to turn off the car and sat there. When he looked out the drivers window he saw the other side of the park and it looked safe. He rested his head on the streeting wheel when he heard the noise. It was a rumbling sound as if a stampede of animals were running. Griffen slowly brought his head off the wheel and looked out the drivers window. Out across the park were thousands of living people. His eys got wide. They were all running at him. They were going to hit the car. He reached for the keys and turned them in the ignition. But nothing happend. The fuel gage was at E and he was a sitting duck. He went to get out of the car but he thought it would be safer to stay in here. He grabbed his machine gun, smashed the window with te butt of it and aimed the gun out of it. He started firing into the crowd but it didnt seem to be doing anything. When the people were about five feet from his car, he cringed back ready for the impact. When they hit the car, it flung sideways and landed on its side and kept on rolling. When it came to a rest, Griffen looked around and realized they were coming for him. He grabbed his machine gun which was now on the ceiling and pulled himself out of the car. He got out holding the gun and ran in the oppisite direction from the creatures. But they were much faster, one of them hit him from the back and he fell down. They were around him at once, Griffen stood up with the gun in his hands. He knew he was going to die at this moment, it was his end. The man in a thick black jacket stepped forward and finally confronted Griffen. It was the man who had killed Dook. Griffens eyes got wide and he raised the machine gun. Griffen shot the man in the chest and he fell down. "You sonofabitch. You killed the last thing I cared about." Then another male came in and shoved him violently back. "Get your fuckin hands off me." Griffen raised the machine gun and aimed it around at everyone around him. The man in the thick black jacket stepped forward and knocked the machine gun out of his hands. Griffen just stared forward. Then the man leaned in to his ear and screamed. "You things dont scare me. The only thing to fear is fear itself." Then thats when the hoarde of dead ones came. They came crashing into the middle where Griffen was and started killing all the live ones. Griffen broke out of the circle and began to run. Griffen had picked up his machine gun before he left. A few of the dead ones flanked him but he killed them. When Griffen looked back everything was one fire. Griffen turned back around and the leader, the man with the thick black jacket, the killer of Dook stood in front of him. Griffen attempted tp tackel him but the man flipped him over. Griffen stomped on the mans ankel and got back up. Griffen then hit the man with the butt of his machine gun. But nothing seemed to affect it. The big man threw Griffen across the street onto the sidewalk and stomped after him. Then behind the leader, Griffen saw that one of the dead men had three dogs on leashes. They were the infected dogs. The dead man let the dogs go and they came crashing onto the leader of the living. They chewed at the leader until he threw him off and began to walk at Griffen again. Then more of the living were behind him. Griffen rasied his hands and yelled, "Stop I can fix it, I can help, LET ME SAVE YOU. I CAN SAVE EVEYONE!" But they marched on. "PLEASE I FOUND THE CURE!" Griffen pulled out a syringe in his pocket he had just in case. He pulled out some blood from his body and held it up. "THIS IS THE CURE, PLEASE LET ME SAVE YOU!" Then Griffen looked to his right and saw a spare gas tank hooked up to a house. Griffen grabbed his machine gun, took his blood and rolled it into the street, hopefully it survived the blast. Griffen put the barrel of his machine gun to the tank, said, "All you had to do was let me save you, but no." And fired his machine gun, blowing the tank up and killing himself and all the other living ones. i dont have word for sorry for the mispelled words im sorry i did not meen to post this in jokes and riddles sorry

I need help finding errors in my Reserch paper.? In 1914, Sir Ernest Shackleton's set out on an expedition to Antarctica. His goal being the first to explore and cross the entire continent on foot. With a crew of 28 men they departed off the shore of South Georgia on their ship Endurance. They ended up being stranded on the ice. How could they ever survive? The three hundred ton ship Endurance took on supplies, sixty nine sled dogs, and three life boats for the expedition. Encountering heavy pack ice which they battled for weeks weaving and plowing through the ice with their steam powered ship. Their ship was trapped by ice on January 18, 1915. Trying to break up the ice in front of the ship was pointless it was just to thick. They spent the rest of the day removing ice from in behind of the Endurance trying to slowly back it out. But over night, while they stayed on board, they lost their progress when the ship was caught in the ice. They were stuck approximately one hundred miles or one days worth of sailing from Antarctica's coast. The crew dealt with the harsh weather of temperatures of -30 degrees Fahrenheit to 30 degrees Fahrenheit. They decided to move on during their voyage in the Spring when the ice would part from around the Endurance. Wading out until Spring, they did daily chores varying from scrubbing floors, chopping ice from the ship, or hunting for food. On October 27, 1915 the Endurance starts to buckle from the enormous amount of pressure. The ice started to break apart the Endurance like a twig. Now sinking into the Weddell Sea, the men did all they could do to salvage what they could from the ship. Now not having the ship as shelter from all of Antarctica's harsh weather. They bundle up in their wool sleeping bags which ended up freezing over night like a rock and having to sleep in five tents with linens so thin you could see the moon. Hunting seals, penguins , and shot the sled dogs for food. Doing everything they can to do to survive. As the snow melted from beneath them, they sailed off in their three life boats drifting a hundred and fifty mile to Elephant Island. Now finally reaching the island they make a makeshift shelter out the two of the life boats sitting on stone walls. Killing seals for food and burning the blubber oil for light. Shackleton had now decided he would have to try to reach South Georgia. Only knowing that it was over eight hundred miles away. The crew started water proofing one of the life boats with the blubber of the seals and from the salvaged the mass from the Endurance they made a sail. James Wolsey, the captain of the Endurance was now going to be their navigator. Taking along four other men besides Shackleton and the Captain they set out to sea April 24, 1915. Now fighting high winds and rough seas, Wolsey used a tool called a sextant to navigate their journey to South Georgia, he was only able to take four sightings which made it very hard to stay on course. As he crouched to the bottom of the boat he penciled out the math. May 10, 1915 they landed safely on the shore of Cape Rosa. The men set camp as Shackleton planed out their route over the mountains to reach the Stromness station. May 20, 1915 Shackleton and three other men crossed the mountains walking non stop for thirty six hours covering twenty two miles arriving at the station. As they walked towards the station they saw the stations manager. Being dressed in rags they were not being recognized by him. The manager called out "Who the hell are you?" "My name is Shackleton." The Whalers let them in with open arms. After reuniting with the other men on the other side of the island they had to make plans to save the rest of the twenty two crew on Elephant Island. Shackleton make three rescue attempts but was not successful until August 30, 1915 when they were loaned a tug by the Chilean government. On Elephant Island the tug was spotted and they castaways ran out onto the beach. Shackleton with his binoculars counted the crew mates. “They are all there,” he said. All the men were saved and returned to home while World War I raged on. During this time of crisis they all worked together to keep each other alive. Stood up to the elements that were thrown at them and succeeded at their goal to return home alive. Staying on a continent with no civilization was tough on them but they made the best out of the worst.

Can you please criticize my short story? Sequel to Most Dangerous Game.?

Criticize short story. Sequel to Most Dangerous Game?

what's your zombie plan? my zombie plan is going to shiyan mountan in colorado its a base that is made to protect u from nukes it has fresh water you are able to grow food their as well its protected and it is safe i will go to a millatary base first to stock on wepons ammo food and medical supplies find some survivers like soliders with professions and a doc or two then i will get a couple of apc's supply trucks and a tank so i can protect survivers and rescue them as well like children and etc and some dogs they are help for hunting for food and guarding u as well i will go to hospitals to stock up on medical supplies small towns for some medical and food supplies if possiable millatary bases for both of those and survivers and for fuel for the vechals and for the ammution if one of my soliders get infected they will either A blow them selves up with 10 pounds of c4 or B shoot themselves its either die a painfull death or a fast painless death right i will rarely go to large cities on in emergencys i will

Hamsters or not? I've got 2 hamsters and there getting old, ive had hamsters for many years, but im starting to get tired of them...I love my hamsters I have now, but would like something new, nothing big, or expensive, I don't want to have to get more supplies. I do have this birdcage big enough for a cockatiel sized bird, but I do already have a cockatiel I was thinking of maybe after my 2 hamsters are gone, which won't be long, about getting a pair of parakeets, they would be fun, and my cockatiel would be able to interact with them also. What would you reccomend, I don't want hamsters, really not a rodent, nothing much bigger than a hamster, something that can bond with me, and I can teach things....do you think a parakeet is a good choise Now, I already have 3 bird dogs (not trained to hunt birds tho), and a cat, so, would having a small bird who can't have their wings clipped not be a very good idea Please tell me what yall think!! I have 2 bird cages....my larger cage is for my cockatiel, and the smaller one, yet still big enough for a cockatiel, is actually being used by a hamster right now, but that can be changed easily, ive got plenty of cages around, so don't worry, the cockatiel and parakeet would be in seperate cages if I ever get a parakeet

Don't they have it backwards?!? As seen on Yahoo! News.......? "'Wild in the streets' Wildlife is encroaching on suburbia: What have you seen in your backyard? Send You Witness News your photos." Ummm....wildlife is encroaching on suburbia? I think it's the other way around there, geniuses! Suburbia is encroaching on wildlife! This headline speaks volumes; A perfect example our consumer society's ignorant, short-sighted, self-centered mindset. For example, here in Southern CA over-crowding, over-development, traffic, congestion, and urban sprawl are disgustingly out of control. People encroach on the habitats of wildlife,...and then act shocked and outraged when the mountain lion hops the backyard fence and mauls the family dog! Duh! What did you expect? You've taking away its habitat, its hunting grounds, and the habitat of its food supply. The poor thing has to eat, after all. But instead of learning to live sustainably and in harmony with nature, stupid humans consume like crazy and spread urban sprawl ever further. Sad, eh? Thoughts? Insights? "The prolbem is that no one cares enough to relocate the animals or find a system to make the animals "at home" to where they are not a threat to humans" Well Rebecca, first let me say that my following comments are in no way meant to insult you. I appreciate the fact that you are willing to give this topic some thought. However, your response is exactly what I'm talking about. Relocate the animals? they were here first and the ecosystem they are a part of is essential to our survival. We need to relocate the HUMANS, not the animals. We need to look at more sustainable alternatives to our urban sprawl, outdated modes of housing and transportation. We need to change ourselves and our behavior, not simply shove the animals out of the way simply so we can keep doing the same unwise things we've been doing.

Lets you know EXACTLY what others do on your computer? Lets you know EXACTLY what others do on your computer when you are away. Perfect for catching cheaters, monitoring employees, children and spouse, acquiring others' passwords and even investigating crimes. Power Spy secretly records: keystrokes, websites visited, emails read, documents opened, clipboard activaties, passwords typed, applications executed, conversation text of Skype, MSN Messenger, ICQ, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger and Windows Messenger. It even takes screen snapshots at your set interval like a surveillance camera. Know More Details << Free To Download << Buy It Online Securely << Home Page << A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in." So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language. Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today". "For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000. She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did. I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know there are starving people in those third world countries, and you're just wasting that food. Then package it up and ship it to 'em if you're so concerned you dumb shit! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time. The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!" I Have no Idea what happened here!! SORRY

The 90's suck.. PSYCHE!!!? Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it. You're a 90's kid if: You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain , and Two Stupid Dogs. AAAAAAAH real monsters. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE! You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiiiiin west Philadelphia born and raised..." You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World. You remember when, 2Pac and Selena died. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school. You remember reading "Goosebumps" You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not... You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time" Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show. You remember Squirt gun fights. Captain Planet. He's a Hero. You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together. You remember when super Nintendo's and Sega Genesis became popular. You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny. You remember watching home alone 1, and 2........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders" You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS. You remember when Yomega Yo-Yos were cool. when you were grown up when you turned 7, cuz you could watch are you afraid of the dark because it was tvY7! You remember those Where's Waldo books.....and found him You remember when Mortal Kombat Was "Da Bomb"! U remember eating Warheads.(those sour candy's) You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladdin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies. U remember Ring Pops. U remember drinkin' Fruitopia and Surge. if you member when every thing was "da BOMB" when they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!! You remember boom boxes vs. cd players Writing M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that) Making those little paper fortune cookie things.. and then predicting your life with them. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell" You played and/or collected "Pogs" You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere ...Furbies. You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet. And Windows 95 was the best. You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers,and Ninja Turtles. You had a favorite New Kid on the block, and you knew all of there names Michael Jordan was a king. Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff! All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.) You remember when the new Beanie Babies and talking Elmo were always sold out. You collected those Beanie Babies. Growing Pains. Carebears and The Gummy Bear show. Gak was the coolest thing invented. Lambchop's song never ended. The old dollar bills. Silver dollars, were cool that have. You remember a time before the WB. You collected all the Troll dolls with the bright hair You remember when Will Smith came out with Big Willie style! You owned a portable tape player. If you even know what an original Walkman is. You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch. You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" You know the Macarena by heart. "Talk to the hand" ... enough said You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!" You know the significance of the number 23. You went to McD's to play in the playplace. You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground. Ducktailes, Chip & Dales Rescue Rangers, Darkwing Duck, Count Duckula You can recall when Lucky Charms was just, Hearts, stars, horseshoes, and clovers Nintendo......not Super NES, or 64...just Nintendo...with Mario Brothers/Duck hunt..and you always wished you could shoot that damn dog. When Mark Summers was Nickelodeon's host of almost every game show You know where to find the Shrine of the Silver Monkey I'm Boney, I'm Boney, leave me aloney. Nickelodeon was King Clarissa Explains it all, Pete and Pete, Hey Dude, Salute Your Shorts......Camp Anawana, we hold you in our hearts When we were younger: Before the MySpace frenzy... Before the Internet & text messaging... Before Sidekicks & iPods... Before MIKE JONES... Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX... Before Sponge Bob When light up sneakers were cool. When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs. When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing. When we recorded stuff on VCRs . When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our Walkmans. When 2Pac and Biggie where alive. When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever. Way back... when it was all about Nintendo64. when you had a wind breaker w/bright colored sleeves when you collected Pokemon cards Stick Stickley hosted Nick toons in the afternoon {in the summertime} Before we realized all this would eventually disappear Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!! to the guy who said... "Wow, 2pac was so important deserved to be mentioned twice...lol. I never heard of him until he died. And "Psyche" is an 80's thing, people got beat up for saying it in the 90's. Saturday morning cartoons ended in the 90's, thanks alot for that! Everything else seems pretty accurate. " i'm not sure what you were tryin to say about cartoons, but i was born in 1990 and i watched Saturday morning cartoons all the time and the kids in 'So Cal' said 'PYCHE' a lot.. i don't know where you were but "Whatever"

This Is For All Those Peter Kay Fans...? I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said "Did you get my drift?” So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it"; he said "Those are pickled onions". I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?”I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?”. He said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness". You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller" he said "Not you again". So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. said "Are you two an item?” So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" Dyslexic man walks into a bra A seal walks into a club... A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why they asked?” they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." Hence you need to be a Peter Kay fan...it's all in the title!

the check is in the mail? Dear Sir: In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial conditions are due to Federal laws, corporation laws, mothers-in-law, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, and outlaws. Through these taxes I am compelled to pay a business tax, assessment tax, head tax, school tax, income tax, casket tax, food tax, furniture tax, sales tax and excise tax. Even my brain is taxed. I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting license, fishing license, truck and auto license, not to mention marriage and dog license. I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable of bringing into life; to women's relief, unemployed relief, and gold digger's relief. Also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city, including the Red Cross, the Black Cross, the Purple Cross and the Double Cross. For my own safety, I am compelled to carry life insurance, liability insurance, burglary insurance, accident insurance, property insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age insurance and fire insurance. My own business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, and compelled until I prove an inexhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race. Simply because I refuse to donate something or another I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for a miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to my door nowadays just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and here's the money. Would like more business to pay more taxes. Sincerely yours, Born Free Taxed To the Poor House

Does this kind of humour appeal to you.? As I Was Saying I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?" So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions" I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than Anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck" But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite...one jar. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Le-hoover's witness". You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" Dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Poll: Did you like The Oddysey or The Iliad better? I liked the Iliad better. This was my favorite part: Sing, O goddess, the anger of Achilles son of Peleus, that brought countless ills upon the Achaeans. Many a brave soul did it send hurrying down to Hades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures, for so were the counsels of Jove fulfilled from the day on which the son of Atreus, king of men, and great Achilles, first fell out with one another. And which of the gods was it that set them on to quarrel? It was the son of Jove and Leto; for he was angry with the king and sent a pestilence upon the host to plague the people, because the son of Atreus had dishonoured Chryses his priest. Now Chryses had come to the ships of the Achaeans to free his daughter, and had brought with him a great ransom: moreover he bore in his hand the sceptre of Apollo wreathed with a suppliant's wreath and he besought the Achaeans, but most of all the two sons of Atreus, who were their chiefs. "Sons of Atreus," he cried, "and all other Achaeans, may the gods who dwell in Olympus grant you to sack the city of Priam, and to reach your homes in safety; but free my daughter, and accept a ransom for her, in reverence to Apollo, son of Jove." On this the rest of the Achaeans with one voice were for respecting the priest and taking the ransom that he offered; but not so Agamemnon, who spoke fiercely to him and sent him roughly away. "Old man," said he, "let me not find you tarrying about our ships, nor yet coming hereafter. Your sceptre of the god and your wreath shall profit you nothing. I will not free her. She shall grow old in my house at Argos far from her own home, busying herself with her loom and visiting my couch; so go, and do not provoke me or it shall be the worse for you." The old man feared him and obeyed. Not a word he spoke, but went by the shore of the sounding sea and prayed apart to King Apollo whom lovely Leto had borne. "Hear me," he cried, "O god of the silver bow, that protectest Chryse and holy Cilla and rulest Tenedos with thy might, hear me oh thou of Sminthe. If I have ever decked your temple with garlands, or burned your thigh-bones in fat of bulls or goats, grant my prayer, and let your arrows avenge these my tears upon the Danaans." Thus did he pray, and Apollo heard his prayer. He came down furious from the summits of Olympus, with his bow and his quiver upon his shoulder, and the arrows rattled on his back with the rage that trembled within him. He sat himself down away from the ships with a face as dark as night, and his silver bow rang death as he shot his arrow in the midst of them. First he smote their mules and their hounds, but presently he aimed his shafts at the people themselves, and all day long the pyres of the dead were burning. For nine whole days he shot his arrows among the people, but upon the tenth day Achilles called them in assembly- moved thereto by Juno, who saw the Achaeans in their death-throes and had compassion upon them. Then, when they were got together, he rose and spoke among them. "Son of Atreus," said he, "I deem that we should now turn roving home if we would escape destruction, for we are being cut down by war and pestilence at once. Let us ask some priest or prophet, or some reader of dreams (for dreams, too, are of Jove) who can tell us why Phoebus Apollo is so angry, and say whether it is for some vow that we have broken, or hecatomb that we have not offered, and whether he will accept the savour of lambs and goats without blemish, so as to take away the plague from us." With these words he sat down, and Calchas son of Thestor, wisest of augurs, who knew things past present and to come, rose to speak. He it was who had guided the Achaeans with their fleet to Ilius, through the prophesyings with which Phoebus Apollo had inspired him. With all sincerity and goodwill he addressed them thus:- "Achilles, loved of heaven, you bid me tell you about the anger of King Apollo, I will therefore do so; but consider first and swear that you will stand by me heartily in word and deed, for I know that I shall offend one who rules the Argives with might, to whom all the Achaeans are in subjection. A plain man cannot stand against the anger of a king, who if he swallow his displeasure now, will yet nurse revenge till he has wreaked it. Consider, therefore, whether or no you will protect me." And Achilles answered, "Fear not, but speak as it is borne in upon you from heaven, for by Apollo, Calchas, to whom you pray, and whose oracles you reveal to us, not a Danaan at our ships shall lay his hand upon you, while I yet live to look upon the face of the earth- no, not though you name Agamemnon himself, who is by far the foremost of the Achaeans." Thereon the seer spoke boldly. "The god," he said, "is angry neither about vow nor hecatomb, but for his priest's sake, whom Agamemnon has dishonoured, in that he would not free his daughter nor take a ransom for her; therefore has he sent these evils upon us, and will yet send others. He will not deliver the Danaans from this pestilence till Agamemnon has restored the girl without fee or ransom to her father, and has sent a holy hecatomb to Chryse. Thus we may perhaps appease him." With these words he sat down, and Agamemnon rose in anger. His heart was black with rage, and his eyes flashed fire as he scowled on Calchas and said, "Seer of evil, you never yet prophesied smooth things concerning me, but have ever loved to foretell that which was evil. You have brought me neither comfort nor performance; and now you come seeing among Danaans, and saying that Apollo has plagued us because I would not take a ransom for this girl, the daughter of Chryses. I have set my heart on keeping her in my own house, for I love her better even than my own wife Clytemnestra, whose peer she is alike in form and feature, in understanding and accomplishments. Still I will give her up if I must, for I would have the people live, not die; but you must find me a prize instead, or I alone among the Argives shall be without one. This is not well; for you behold, all of you, that my prize is to go elsewhither." And Achilles answered, "Most noble son of Atreus, covetous beyond all mankind, how shall the Achaeans find you another prize? We have no common store from which to take one. Those we took from the cities have been awarded; we cannot disallow the awards that have been made already. Give this girl, therefore, to the god, and if ever Jove grants us to sack the city of Troy we will requite you three and fourfold." Then Agamemnon said, "Achilles, valiant though you be, you shall not thus outwit me. You shall not overreach and you shall not persuade me. Are you to keep your own prize, while I sit tamely under my loss and give up the girl at your bidding? Let the Achaeans find me a prize in fair exchange to my liking, or I will come and take your own, or that of Ajax or of Ulysses; and he to whomsoever I may come shall rue my coming. But of this we will take thought hereafter; for the present, let us draw a ship into the sea, and find a crew for her expressly; let us put a hecatomb on board, and let us send Chryseis also; further, let some chief man among us be in command, either Ajax, or Idomeneus, or yourself, son of Peleus, mighty warrior that you are, that we may offer sacrifice and appease the the anger of the god." Achilles scowled at him and answered, "You are steeped in insolence and lust of gain. With what heart can any of the Achaeans do your bidding, either on foray or in open fighting? I came not warring here for any ill the Trojans had done me. I have no quarrel with them. They have not raided my cattle nor my horses, nor cut down my harvests on the rich plains of Phthia; for between me and them there is a great space, both mountain and sounding sea. We have followed you, Sir Insolence! for your pleasure, not ours- to gain satisfaction from the Trojans for your shameless self and for Menelaus. You forget this, and threaten to rob me of the prize for which I have toiled, and which the sons of the Achaeans have given me. Never when the Achaeans sack any rich city of the Trojans do I receive so good a prize as you do, though it is my hands that do the better part of the fighting. When the sharing comes, your share is far the largest, and I, forsooth, must go back to my ships, take what I can get and be thankful, when my labour of fighting is done. Now, therefore, I shall go back to Phthia; it will be much better for me to return home with my ships, for I will not stay here dishonoured to gather gold and substance for you." And Agamemnon answered, "Fly if you will, I shall make you no prayers to stay you. I have others here who will do me honour, and above all Jove, the lord of counsel. There is no king here so hateful to me as you are, for you are ever quarrelsome and ill affected. What though you be brave? Was it not heaven that made you so? Go home, then, with your ships and comrades to lord it over the Myrmidons. I care neither for you nor for your anger; and thus will I do: since Phoebus Apollo is taking Chryseis from me, I shall send her with my ship and my followers, but I shall come to your tent and take your own prize Briseis, that you may learn how much stronger I am than you are, and that another may fear to set himself up as equal or comparable with me." The son of Peleus was furious, and his heart within his shaggy breast was divided whether to draw his sword, push the others aside, and kill the son of Atreus, or to restrain himself and check his anger. While he was thus in two minds, and was drawing his mighty sword from its scabbard, Minerva came down from heaven (for Juno had sent her in the love she bore to them both), and seized the son of Peleus by his yellow hair, visible to him alone, for of the others no man could see her. Achilles turned in amaze, and by the fire that flashed from her eyes at once knew that she was Minerva. "Why are you here," said he, "daughter of aegis-bearing Jove? To see the pride of Agamemnon, son of Atreus? Let me tell you- and it shall surely be- he shall pay for this insolence with his life." And Minerva said, "I come from heaven, if you will hear me, to bid you stay your anger. Juno has sent me, who cares for both of you alike. Cease, then, this brawling, and do not draw your sword; rail at him if you will, and your railing will not be vain, for I tell you- and it shall surely be- that you shall hereafter receive gifts three times as splendid by reason of this present insult. Hold, therefore, and obey." "Goddess," answered Achilles, "however angry a man may be, he must do as you two command him. This will be best, for the gods ever hear the prayers of him who has obeyed them." He stayed his hand on the silver hilt of his sword, and thrust it back into the scabbard as Minerva bade him. Then she went back to Olympus among the other gods, and to the house of aegis-bearing Jove. But the son of Peleus again began railing at the son of Atreus, for he was still in a rage. "Wine-bibber," he cried, "with the face of a dog and the heart of a hind, you never dare to go out with the host in fight, nor yet with our chosen men in ambuscade. You shun this as you do death itself. You had rather go round and rob his prizes from any man who contradicts you. You devour your people, for you are king over a feeble folk; otherwise, son of Atreus, henceforward you would insult no man. Therefore I say, and swear it with a great oath- nay, by this my sceptre which shalt sprout neither leaf nor shoot, nor bud anew from the day on which it left its parent stem upon the mountains- for the axe stripped it of leaf and bark, and now the sons of the Achaeans bear it as judges and guardians of the decrees of heaven- so surely and solemnly do I swear that hereafter they shall look fondly for Achilles and shall not find him. In the day of your distress, when your men fall dying by the murderous hand of Hector, you shall not know how to help them, and shall rend your heart with rage for the hour when you offered insult to the bravest of the Achaeans." With this the son of Peleus dashed his gold-bestudded sceptre on the ground and took his seat, while the son of Atreus was beginning fiercely from his place upon the other side. Then uprose smooth-tongued Nestor, the facile speaker of the Pylians, and the words fell from his lips sweeter than honey. Two generations of men born and bred in Pylos had passed away under his rule, and he was now reigning over the third. With all sincerity and goodwill, therefore, he addressed them thus:- "Of a truth," he said, "a great sorrow has befallen the Achaean land. Surely Priam with his sons would rejoice, and the Trojans be glad at heart if they could hear this quarrel between you two, who are so excellent in fight and counsel. I am older than either of you; therefore be guided by me. Moreover I have been the familiar friend of men even greater than you are, and they did not disregard my counsels. Never again can I behold such men as Pirithous and Dryas shepherd of his people, or as Caeneus, Exadius, godlike Polyphemus, and Theseus son of Aegeus, peer of the immortals. These were the mightiest men ever born upon this earth: mightiest were they, and when they fought the fiercest tribes of mountain savages they utterly overthrew them. I came from distant Pylos, and went about among them, for they would have me come, and I fought as it was in me to do. Not a man now living could withstand them, but they heard my words, and were persuaded by them. So be it also with yourselves, for this is the more excellent way. Therefore, Agamemnon, though you be strong, take not this girl away, for the sons of the Achaeans have already given her to Achilles; and you, Achilles, strive not further with the king, for no man who by the grace of Jove wields a sceptre has like honour with Agamemnon. You are strong, and have a goddess for your mother; but Agamemnon is stronger than you, for he has more people under him. Son of Atreus, check your anger, I implore you; end this quarrel with Achilles, who in the day of battle is a tower of strength to the Achaeans." And Agamemnon answered, "Sir, all that you have said is true, but this fellow must needs become our lord and master: he must be lord of all, king of all, and captain of all, and this shall hardly be. Granted that the gods have made him a great warrior, have they also given him the right to speak with railing?" Achilles interrupted him. "I should be a mean coward," he cried, "were I to give in to you in all things. Order other people about, not me, for I shall obey no longer. Furthermore I say- and lay my saying to your heart- I shall fight neither you nor any man about this girl, for those that take were those also that gave. But of all else that is at my ship you shall carry away nothing by force. Try, that others may see; if you do, my spear shall be reddened with your blood." When they had quarrelled thus angrily, they rose, and broke up the assembly at the ships of the Achaeans. The son of Peleus went back to his tents and ships with the son of Menoetius and his company, while Agamemnon drew a vessel into the water and chose a crew of twenty oarsmen. He escorted Chryseis on board and sent moreover a hecatomb for the god. And Ulysses went as captain. These, then, went on board and sailed their ways over the sea. But the son of Atreus bade the people purify themselves; so they purified themselves and cast their filth into the sea. Then they offered hecatombs of bulls and goats without blemish on the sea-shore, and the smoke with the savour of their sacrifice rose curling up towards heaven. Thus did they busy themselves throughout the host. But Agamemnon did not forget the threat that he had made Achilles, and called his trusty messengers and squires Talthybius and Eurybates. "Go," said he, "to the tent of Achilles, son of Peleus; take Briseis by the hand and bring her hither; if he will not give her I shall come with others and take her- which will press him harder." He charged them straightly further and dismissed them, whereon they went their way sorrowfully by the seaside, till they came to the tents and ships of the Myrmidons. They found Achilles sitting by his tent and his ships, and ill-pleased he was when he beheld them. They stood fearfully and reverently before him, and never a word did they speak, but he knew them and said, "Welcome, heralds, messengers of gods and men; draw near; my quarrel is not with you but with Agamemnon who has sent you for the girl Briseis. Therefore, Patroclus, bring her and give her to them, but let them be witnesses by the blessed gods, by mortal men, and by the fierceness of Agamemnon's anger, that if ever again there be need of me to save the people from ruin, they shall seek and they shall not find. Agamemnon is mad with rage and knows not how to look before and after that the Achaeans may fight by their ships in safety." Patroclus did as his dear comrade had bidden him. He brought Briseis from the tent and gave her over to the heralds, who took her with them to the ships of the Achaeans- and the woman was loth to go. Then Achilles went all alone by the side of the hoar sea, weeping and looking out upon the boundless waste of waters. He raised his hands in prayer to his immortal mother, "Mother," he cried, "you bore me doomed to live but for a little season; surely Jove, who thunders from Olympus, might have made that little glorious. It is not so. Agamemnon, son of Atreus, has done me dishonour, and has robbed me of my prize by force." As he spoke he wept aloud, and his mother heard him where she was sitting in the depths of the sea hard by the old man her father. Forthwith she rose as it were a grey mist out of the waves, sat down before him as he stood weeping, caressed him with her hand, and said, "My son, why are you weeping? What is it that grieves you? Keep it not from me, but tell me, that we may know it together." Achilles drew a deep sigh and said, "You know it; why tell you what you know well already? We went to Thebe the strong city of Eetion, sacked it, and brought hither the spoil. The sons of the Achaeans shared it duly among themselves, and chose lovely Chryseis as the meed of Agamemnon; but Chryses, priest of Apollo, came to the ships of the Achaeans to free his daughter, and brought with him a great ransom: moreover he bore in his hand the sceptre of Apollo, wreathed with a suppliant's wreath, and he besought the Achaeans, but most of all the two sons of Atreus who were their chiefs. "On this the rest of the Achaeans with one voice were for respecting the priest and taking the ransom that he offered; but not so Agamemnon, who spoke fiercely to him and sent him roughly away. So he went back in anger, and Apollo, who loved him dearly, heard his prayer. Then the god sent a deadly dart upon the Argives, and the people died thick on one another, for the arrows went everywhither among the wide host of the Achaeans. At last a seer in the fulness of his knowledge declared to us the oracles of Apollo, and I was myself first to say that we should appease him. Whereon the son of Atreus rose in anger, and threatened that which he has since done. The Achaeans are now taking the girl in a ship to Chryse, and sending gifts of sacrifice to the god; but the heralds have just taken from my tent the daughter of Briseus, whom the Achaeans had awarded to myself. "Help your brave son, therefore, if you are able. Go to Olympus, and if you have ever done him service in word or deed, implore the aid of Jove. Ofttimes in my father's house have I heard you glory in that you alone of the immortals saved the son of Saturn from ruin, when the others, with Juno, Neptune, and Pallas Minerva would have put him in bonds. It was you, goddess, who delivered him by calling to Olympus the hundred-handed monster whom gods call Briareus, but men Aegaeon, for he is stronger even than his father; when therefore he took his seat all-glorious beside the son of Saturn, the other gods were afraid, and did not bind him. Go, then, to him, remind him of all this, clasp his knees, and bid him give succour to the Trojans. Let the Achaeans be hemmed in at the sterns of their ships, and perish on the sea-shore, that they may reap what joy they may of their king, and that Agamemnon may rue his blindness in offering insult to the foremost of the Achaeans." Thetis wept and answered, "My son, woe is me that I should have borne or suckled you. Would indeed that you had lived your span free from all sorrow at your ships, for it is all too brief; alas, that you should be at once short of life and long of sorrow above your peers: woe, therefore, was the hour in which I bore you; nevertheless I will go to the snowy heights of Olympus, and tell this tale to Jove, if he will hear our prayer: meanwhile stay where you are with your ships, nurse your anger against the Achaeans, and hold aloof from fight. For Jove went yesterday to Oceanus, to a feast among the Ethiopians, and the other gods went with him. He will return to Olympus twelve days hence; I will then go to his mansion paved with bronze and will beseech him; nor do I doubt that I shall be able to persuade him." On this she left him, still furious at the loss of her that had been taken from him. Meanwhile Ulysses reached Chryse with the hecatomb. When they had come inside the harbour they furled the sails and laid them in the ship's hold; they slackened the forestays, lowered the mast into its place, and rowed the ship to the place where they would have her lie; there they cast out their mooring-stones and made fast the hawsers. They then got out upon the sea-shore and landed the hecatomb for Apollo; Chryseis also left the ship, and Ulysses led her to the altar to deliver her into the hands of her father. "Chryses," said he, "King Agamemnon has sent me to bring you back your child, and to offer sacrifice to Apollo on behalf of the Danaans, that we may propitiate the god, who has now brought sorrow upon the Argives." So saying he gave the girl over to her father, who received her gladly, and they ranged the holy hecatomb all orderly round the altar of the god. They washed their hands and took up the barley-meal to sprinkle over the victims, while Chryses lifted up his hands and prayed aloud on their behalf. "Hear me," he cried, "O god of the silver bow, that protectest Chryse and holy Cilla, and rulest Tenedos with thy might. Even as thou didst hear me aforetime when I prayed, and didst press hardly upon the Achaeans, so hear me yet again, and stay this fearful pestilence from the Danaans." Thus did he pray, and Apollo heard his prayer. When they had done praying and sprinkling the barley-meal, they drew back the heads of the victims and killed and flayed them. They cut out the thigh-bones, wrapped them round in two layers of fat, set some pieces of raw meat on the top of them, and then Chryses laid them on the wood fire and poured wine over them, while the young men stood near him with five-pronged spits in their hands. When the thigh-bones were burned and they had tasted the inward meats, they cut the rest up small, put the pieces upon the spits, roasted them till they were done, and drew them off: then, when they had finished their work and the feast was ready, they ate it, and every man had his full share, so that all were satisfied. As soon as they had had enough to eat and drink, pages filled the mixing-bowl with wine and water and handed it round, after giving every man his drink-offering. Thus all day long the young men worshipped the god with song, hymning him and chaunting the joyous paean, and the god took pleasure in their voices; but when the sun went down, and it came on dark, they laid themselves down to sleep by the stern cables of the ship, and when the child of morning, rosy-fingered Dawn, appeared they again set sail for the host of the Achaeans. Apollo sent them a fair wind, so they raised their mast and hoisted their white sails aloft. As the sail bellied with the wind the ship flew through the deep blue water, and the foam hissed against her bows as she sped onward. When they reached the wide-stretching host of the Achaeans, they drew the vessel ashore, high and dry upon the sands, set her strong props beneath her, and went their ways to their own tents and ships. But Achilles abode at his ships and nursed his anger. He went not to the honourable assembly, and sallied not forth to fight, but gnawed at his own heart, pining for battle and the war-cry. Now after twelve days the immortal gods came back in a body to Olympus, and Jove led the way. Thetis was not unmindful of the charge her son had laid upon her, so she rose from under the sea and went through great heaven with early morning to Olympus, where she found the mighty son of Saturn sitting all alone upon its topmost ridges. She sat herself down before him, and with her left hand seized his knees, while with her right she caught him under the chin, and besought him, saying- "Father Jove, if I ever did you service in word or deed among the immortals, hear my prayer, and do honour to my son, whose life is to be cut short so early. King Agamemnon has dishonoured him by taking his prize and keeping her. Honour him then yourself, Olympian lord of counsel, and grant victory to the Trojans, till the Achaeans give my son his due and load him with riches in requital." Jove sat for a while silent, and without a word, but Thetis still kept firm hold of his knees, and besought him a second time. "Incline your head," said she, "and promise me surely, or else deny me- for you have nothing to fear- that I may learn how greatly you disdain me." At this Jove was much troubled and answered, "I shall have trouble if you set me quarrelling with Juno, for she will provoke me with her taunting speeches; even now she is always railing at me before the other gods and accusing me of giving aid to the Trojans. Go back now, lest she should find out. I will consider the matter, and will bring it about as wish. See, I incline my head that you believe me. This is the most solemn that I can give to any god. I never recall my word, or deceive, or fail to do what I say, when I have nodded my head." As he spoke the son of Saturn bowed his dark brows, and the ambrosial locks swayed on his immortal head, till vast Olympus reeled. When the pair had thus laid their plans, they parted- Jove to his house, while the goddess quitted the splendour of Olympus, and plunged into the depths of the sea. The gods rose from their seats, before the coming of their sire. Not one of them dared to remain sitting, but all stood up as he came among them. There, then, he took his seat. But Juno, when she saw him, knew that he and the old merman's daughter, silver-footed Thetis, had been hatching mischief, so she at once began to upbraid him. "Trickster," she cried, "which of the gods have you been taking into your counsels now? You are always settling matters in secret behind my back, and have never yet told me, if you could help it, one word of your intentions." "Juno," replied the sire of gods and men, "you must not expect to be informed of all my counsels. You are my wife, but you would find it hard to understand them. When it is proper for you to hear, there is no one, god or man, who will be told sooner, but when I mean to keep a matter to myself, you must not pry nor ask questions." "Dread son of Saturn," answered Juno, "what are you talking about? I? Pry and ask questions? Never. I let you have your own way in everything. Still, I have a strong misgiving that the old merman's daughter Thetis has been talking you over, for she was with you and had hold of your knees this self-same morning. I believe, therefore, that you have been promising her to give glory to Achilles, and to kill much people at the ships of the Achaeans." "Wife," said Jove, "I can do nothing but you suspect me and find it out. You will take nothing by it, for I shall only dislike you the more, and it will go harder with you. Granted that it is as you say; I mean to have it so; sit down and hold your tongue as I bid you for if I once begin to lay my hands about you, though all heaven were on your side it would profit you nothing." On this Juno was frightened, so she curbed her stubborn will and sat down in silence. But the heavenly beings were disquieted throughout the house of Jove, till the cunning workman Vulcan began to try and pacify his mother Juno. "It will be intolerable," said he, "if you two fall to wrangling and setting heaven in an uproar about a pack of mortals. If such ill counsels are to prevail, we shall have no pleasure at our banquet. Let me then advise my mother- and she must herself know that it will be better- to make friends with my dear father Jove, lest he again scold her and disturb our feast. If the Olympian Thunderer wants to hurl us all from our seats, he can do so, for he is far the strongest, so give him fair words, and he will then soon be in a good humour with us." As he spoke, he took a double cup of nectar, and placed it in his mother's hand. "Cheer up, my dear mother," said he, "and make the best of it. I love you dearly, and should be very sorry to see you get a thrashing; however grieved I might be, I could not help for there is no standing against Jove. Once before when I was trying to help you, he caught me by the foot and flung me from the heavenly threshold. All day long from morn till eve, was I falling, till at sunset I came to ground in the island of Lemnos, and there I lay, with very little life left in me, till the Sintians came and tended me." Juno smiled at this, and as she smiled she took the cup from her son's hands. Then Vulcan drew sweet nectar from the mixing-bowl, and served it round among the gods, going from left to right; and the blessed gods laughed out a loud applause as they saw him ing bustling about the heavenly mansion. Thus through the livelong day to the going down of the sun they feasted, and every one had his full share, so that all were satisfied. Apollo struck his lyre, and the Muses lifted up their sweet voices, calling and answering one another. But when the sun's glorious light had faded, they went home to bed, each in his own abode, which lame Vulcan with his consummate skill had fashioned for them. So Jove, the Olympian Lord of Thunder, hied him to the bed in which he always slept; and when he had got on to it he went to sleep, with Juno of the golden throne by his side. Now the other gods and the armed warriors on the plain slept soundly, but Jove was wakeful, for he was thinking how to do honour to Achilles, and destroyed much people at the ships of the Achaeans. In the end he deemed it would be best to send a lying dream to King Agamemnon; so he called one to him and said to it, "Lying Dream, go to the ships of the Achaeans, into the tent of Agamemnon, and say to him word to word as I now bid you. Tell him to get the Achaeans instantly under arms, for he shall take Troy. There are no longer divided counsels among the gods; Juno has brought them to her own mind, and woe betides the Trojans." The dream went when it had heard its message, and soon reached the ships of the Achaeans. It sought Agamemnon son of Atreus and found him in his tent, wrapped in a profound slumber. It hovered over his head in the likeness of Nestor, son of Neleus, whom Agamemnon honoured above all his councillors, and said:- "You are sleeping, son of Atreus; one who has the welfare of his host and so much other care upon his shoulders should dock his sleep. Hear me at once, for I come as a messenger from Jove, who, though he be not near, yet takes thought for you and pities you. He bids you get the Achaeans instantly under arms, for you shall take Troy. There are no longer divided counsels among the gods; Juno has brought them over to her own mind, and woe betides the Trojans at the hands of Jove. Remember this, and when you wake see that it does not escape you." The dream then left him, and he thought of things that were, surely not to be accomplished. He thought that on that same day he was to take the city of Priam, but he little knew what was in the mind of Jove, who had many another hard-fought fight in store alike for Danaans and Trojans. Then presently he woke, with the divine message still ringing in his ears; so he sat upright, and put on his soft shirt so fair and new, and over this his heavy cloak. He bound his sandals on to his comely feet, and slung his silver-studded sword about his shoulders; then he took the imperishable staff of his father, and sallied forth to the ships of the Achaeans. The goddess Dawn now wended her way to vast Olympus that she might herald day to Jove and to the other immortals, and Agamemnon sent the criers round to call the people in assembly; so they called them and the people gathered thereon. But first he summoned a meeting of the elders at the ship of Nestor king of Pylos, and when they were assembled he laid a cunning counsel before them. "My friends," said he, "I have had a dream from heaven in the dead of night, and its face and figure resembled none but Nestor's. It hovered over my head and said, 'You are sleeping, son of Atreus; one who has the welfare of his host and so much other care upon his shoulders should dock his sleep. Hear me at once, for I am a messenger from Jove, who, though he be not near, yet takes thought for you and pities you. He bids you get the Achaeans instantly under arms, for you shall take Troy. There are no longer divided counsels among the